My Loving War With Desire

And the winner is...

On an oh-too-familiar scooter ride that on the outside would probably look like a dream to someone who’s only known paved roads, my ride to work this morning felt mundane.

I’ve reset my mornings in a way that aligns not only with the recommendations of those who seemingly have mastered business, health, and overall wellbeing, but far more importantly that energizes my entire spirit. If anyone had told twenty-two-year-old me I’d be the girl with a 5:30am alarm, I’d have laughed in your face and responded “I’ll never have a job that requires me to get up that early.” Let alone, choose to for the pure enjoyment of rising before the sun.

I awaken to the sounds of roosters in a treehouse that is simple, but mine. It’s been customized with one rug, one mug, one candle, and one energetic re-arranging of furniture that has embedded it with an aura of me. I learned at a young age how to make a house a home. Moving will do that to you. When making friends in a new town, re-establishing parts of you personality in an unfamiliar ecosystem, and beginning again create uncertainty, a sanctuary becomes critical.

Thankfully a love for decor, an innate understanding of Feng Shui, and an ever-present spiritual belief that intention can be held through the cellular DNA of any space made this process enjoyable.

As soon as I step out of bed, I kneel to the ground, having taken a tip out of Dr. Bhaswati Bhattacharya’s Everyday Ayurveda and thank the Earth on which I am about to spend my day walking, driving, eating, flirting, witnessing, complaining, practicing yoga, chatting, scrolling, and experiencing whatever else is in store. How funny, I reflected upon first reading that chapter, that many of us pray to the moon, bask in the rays of the morning sun, and lovingly tend to flowers in our garden— but the very anchor that holds us is often left forgotten. The daily gratitude of the ground has absolutely enhanced my awareness of simple pleasures. And for that I’m grateful.

I heat some water, add a squeeze of lime in my sunshine yellow mug and bring it into my living room which hosts an altar in the corner. A Ganesha statue I purchased after one of my first Kirtans wears malas made for me by my brother and sits beside a stick of sage I light both for the cleansing as much as the smell. A corner of the statue’s base is broken. I bought it that way. As a recovering perfectionist, I absolutely treasure that something I pray with each morning is bruised.

Sacred and sincere. The way I aspire to experience life.

Something about the early morning feels reserved for airport runs. Maybe it was just my family whose vacations began with flights that required us to awaken before dawn. I doubt it. I remember seeing other groggy families with overweight bags at the terminal. If you haven’t yet seen Sebastian Maniscalco’s airport check-in bit and something I’m saying is resonating with you, do check it out. Regardless, every couple of mornings as I turn on my lamps against a still dark sky, I can see my mom freshly showered, zipping up five bags at the door while my brother and I begrudgingly, three-quarters still asleep roll into the taxi waiting outside, offering no help at all.

Cross-legged on my bolster, my daily practice rotates between a Vipassana meditation or a Joe Dispenza recorded meditation, depending on what I see best fit for that morning’s mood. Or perhaps in support of that day’s wishes.

Today I needed peace. I needed to be alone. I chose Vipassana.

When I attended my first 10 day Vipassana last December, a myriad of reflections, understandings, and mini awakenings about who I am and how I operate through this world emerged. Blossomed, even. The quiet I feared, was the quiet my soul longed for.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been a fish in a past life, but I would describe it as a fish re-entering the sea after a long time. I couldn’t believe how much life I had lived so numb. Which is not to say the entirety had been as such— I’ve been privileged to live a beautiful, colorful, adventurous, fulfilling, and enriching life. I’ve received fantastic education, been raised in love, and experienced cultures and songs of the world. I have been in love with life. I’m just saying we can continue to examine our past with a new lens each time we embrace a new learning of the present.

And I’m absolutely not implying you who may be reading this without having attended a Vipassana meditation are numb. Likely if you’re somebody who chooses to read articles in your spare time and engage in work that offers new perspective, you are already healing the world beyond what you understand. You have teachings to share with me and all those around you. No matter what the tool is, my hope is that those of us who are willing to keep expanding our awareness do so for the many who are unable. That we find the tools that liberate us so we may support others in doing the same. It’s all a means to a homecoming.

And now I’ve gotten all off track. I’m an Aquarius, mind you. When there’s a moment to throw in a plea to save humanity, I’m your girl.

Back to our normal programming.

After my Vipassana practice this morning, I headed off to work earlier than normal, hoping to beat the rain. I drove on my scooter and almost immediately, my mind drifted back into old patterning. We do all this work and this silly little mind can still have us in its lock!

It had only been a few minutes of peace and presence before I re-entered a state of longing.

Now during my ten day meditation, one of my most powerful takeaways was that I am not somebody who is guided by fear, as much as I am guided by desire. And while that may not sound so bad in theory, Goenka argues anytime we crave or want something, it prevents us from maintaining equanimity with life. The Buddhist teachings are to accept the present completely without attachment. To approach life with grace and an embodied calmness, so we can’t be swept up or controlled by any emotion. What Tara Brach calls radical acceptance. And naturally, desire carries an emotional attachment. It’s hard to accept everything, when we so badly want one thing.

Small scale, we see a new pair of shoes we want and we can’t stop thinking about them… what would I wear them with? Does anyone else have them? They were so cool— I really want them.

Large scale, we hear of our dream job is hiring. We begin tracking down every person we know connected to that company. Like Mission Impossible we Tom Cruise the heck out of our own movie and stop at nothing to get as close as we can. I need that job.

Small or large, no different. What will happen if you don’t get what you want? Sadness? Defeat? Anger? Jealousy? It’s not only in the longing that we develop emotions, but also in all the ties to what happens if we do or not get the thing we want. We create bible-length stories around how we will feel if we are victorious, or the worst case scenario— fail.

As I’m driving down this road I know too well, caught up in a web of my desires for new business ventures, manifestations for an upcoming trip to Europe, and whispers of my heart— my eyes catch what’s before me: a massive rainbow.

Full stop. All desire, all thinking halts. My mind empties.

I swear a seven-year-old me took over and momentarily the world became a musical. Against dark stormy clouds sat this fragmented ray of rain drops and light that re-directed me into the present moment.

I pulled my scooter over to the side of the road to pause, seemingly the only one amused by the rainbow. It rains a lot here in Bali, and there are plenty of rainbows, but if I learned anything about myself today it’s that these moments that feel nothing short of miraculous can draw me into total presence beyond any Spotify meditation recording. The living, breathing meditation. I am easily amused by natural beauty and I will enjoy that quality as long as it remains a part of how I experience the world.

As I continued on my drive, a grin was wrapped around my face.

Awareness of the desires that had occupied my mind prior to the rainbow (which mind you was still in front of me making a mundane road enlivened with new potential) began to creep back in. This time, with a different reflection.

I’ve been studying Kabbalah for a few months now and in a recent teaching, David Ghiyam discusses how to the Kabbalists, desire is actually a beautiful gift. Desires are what motivate us to keep doing the spiritual work, the driving force behind our creation. They are messages from the soul ready to be fulfilled. The desires which are not guided by ego, that is.

My mind contemplated these two teachings of desire back to back like a chess match. I treasure both of these teachings and ancient wisdoms at a core resonance, and I struggled to see how they co-existed. Because ultimately, I do believe many of my desires are the driving force behind how I move through the world. I can sense that these visions are far more than “wants” but perhaps catalysts towards spiritual growth and service to the world. Simultaneously, I’ve been a victim of many of my own desires. I’ve grasped, persuaded, and navigated how to get the things I want— and been left crushed when I haven’t.

As I drove through the rainbow, I felt its energy permeated into my skin. “Be a rainbow” I kept thinking over and over. That’s the mirror reflection of the day. Go be for someone else what this rainbow was for you. Then I am reminded of old friends who made fun of me for being “too sunshine and rainbows.” Shhh… I quiet my mind of old judgements I continue to liberate. There’s a reason not all friendships should last. Again, I draw myself back into the present.

Landed at my matcha destination, I sat with the notion of desire. How we desire, why we desire, what we desire — it’s fascinating really. I pulled out my journal and pieced together my reflection of desire to try and bring an end to this game of tug-of-war.

Here’s what I came up with:

Desire as a driving force for growth and purpose is useful as long as it continues to be refined and checked. We need our desires to inspire us, to stimulate creative expression. Our desires are the treasure trove that can elevate our souls, and expand our human nature through curiosity and learning. However, we must be able to separate desires that are self-indulgent and those which are designed to offer something to others. Really that’s what spirituality is— expanding consciousness for all beings. Liberation for the collective through giving. When we can tap into desire from this place— raw, humble, aligned— we have access to a great, limitless power.

Where the Buddhist teachings offer a critical foundation in the concept of desire is understanding that any emotional attachment to the outcomes is detrimental. I don’t think Goenka would say it’s bad to want world peace. What a beautiful wish that is! The problem exists in wanting it so badly that you are removed from this reality. Or from feeling so frustrated when you are unable to achieve world peace that you lash out. It’s when the wanting overcomes your ability to act thoughtfully and leads you to reactivity— something the Kabbalists would agree is very harmful.

Desires of the mind tend to bring us into the future or stem from an unmet need of the past, both of which remove us from the only reality that truly matters— right now. Truth exists now. You are here now. As Ram Dass would say, “Be Here Now.”

So I say all of this and of course the obvious thought is: how on Earth do we find this balance?

We practice. We practice as we practice every other tool in our lives. No different than our workouts, our daily writing, our mediations, our relationships, we tend to the garden one day at a time.

In a more immediate integration, my offering to you today as I’ve been doing myself would be to reflect on your current desires and start to understand where they come from. Were they from an older version of you? Inflicted on you by someone else? Are they motivated by money or fame? Connected to a need to be accepted or loved? And please please know, it’s okay for them to not be holy and wholesome!! Sometimes we just want something and we don’t want to have to explain why. Perfection is overrated anyways. You really want to go on that date? Go off, queen. You won’t be happy if you don’t nail your handstand? I’d be skeptical of how much of your joy it claims, but pursue it wholeheartedly. None of this is meant as anything more than a call to awareness of how desires manifest and how we can best support ourselves in meeting them. The key is to be honest with yourself.

From my experience, intention always prevails. You can say “I love you” five times with different intentions and it will be received five different ways. As we embrace, thank, and understand the roots of our desires, we automatically up-level our ability to detach from whether or not we get the thing we want, and move through our days from a place of equanimity.

It’s actually not a war at all, but rather a loving game between body, mind and heart.

I would label myself an extremely ambitious person and quite honestly, it’s really comforting to know that I can see these hopes and goals as a positive force for inspiration, and also a daily reminder to return back to humility, presence, and honoring of what’s real in the now.

As I landed at my final destination, the yoga studio where I was set to teach a power yoga class at 9:30am, there before me was another rainbow.

And just like that, for at least a moment’s time, desire disappeared completely.

Until of course the desire to share this reflection came through, for which, thank you for reading. May your desires serve the world in the highest way today!